It's a conscious effort in choosing peace. And it's difficult identifying the line of giving love to a situation and allowing it to pass versus deflecting from it. I relate to an elephant and its sharp memory. I credit that to a sensitivity of the world. Memories are emotions held in different parts of the body. Where my natural reactant to release is physical, it sits in my mind that I'm supposed to respond with "peace". Now those emotions store in the body and mind and I don't feel properly expressed. I'm affected greatly by what's around me. This is why I attempt to be gentle and preempt conflict. Seen as an extreme, it's me looking for the solutions to potential problems. Because I still haven't found the constant in my response. It also triggers me that I'll be the bad guy. And I don't want that perception. I bite my tongue in fear of the picture painted and/or being responsible for the wounds I creates in others. Although the resources are around me, they're also limited. And the feelings are time sensitive. From the initial hit, to processing, then delegation. This is where music exemplifies greatly. To capture the moment and release in a time and form before settling wrongfully. I do believe I have a better overstanding of the world giving a greater responsibility from knowing better. I feel guilty when unable to perform better. Even with knowing all else is creating as I am. But there's a hierarchy in knowledge. Maybe that's just the societal system, but more is given to those of greater perceived potential. To those who don't recognize this I see selfishness and experience judgement from. In this my mind moves rapid at a pace in which I feel I have little time to give to what was because I must continue to move forward. Those may dump beliefs on me disregarding my thoughts or feelings but I not them. Not that I'd like to, I prefer for none of it to happen, but if the door is open it should operate both ways. Not of biases often inherited of falsely interpreted. A mutual respect given to the unseen of another. I've asked for mercy many of times as I recognize we all are growing and healing in distinct ways. I received some but not much I feel. Not often can I exoress without fingers pointed back. Biasly an effort verbally acknowledged of ones fault in. It's never addressed if I was the mirror in the instance. I often wish I could be the old me. But i'll never be that person again. Therefor I must face the phase. Gratefully this is where fight is allowed to shine. I seek opportunities for my efforts to be rewarded as I associate reward with love. My revelation of recent. Which is not the focus of development and healing.
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