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21:47 Vent

The thing about suicide for me at least, is I recognize how great my life has been. It's never me feeling like things are bad. But life feeling like the same whether good or bad. Everything has its dosage and you build up an immunity. This is why I stopped playing basketball. There was no joy in it. Whether I had 4 points or 30 points I felt the same. Whether I loss or won, it didn't feel like anything. Of course nobody wants to lose; but when the win doesn't feel much better than the loss if any, it doesn't matter. I still see myself in a casket. As in the image of what it could look like. I don't think I'm here for me, at least right now, but for others. As a team player and what I serve for others. I don't see much for myself at times still. On another note, sometimes you just need to release the chaos within. And that's causing damage. I can't speak for all that's attempted suicide, but for those who have by car, I can say many just needed to release the sensation of/for destruction they felt. Causing, seeing, and feeling damage- the release of aggression by aggression. I tried to explain this to Sasha before that it's not always alchemizing or transmitting that works. This aggression is an organic feeling and too deserves the respect to be released organically.

When I think about it I almost feel like a bomb, or volcano better yet. Like it needs to filled and settled. Filled as in socially and that will hold me for however long. I know I shouldn't be left alone, but I don't believe the severity of it is recognized properly.

Welp, I'm out of words this instance. That's what I was pretty much pacing in my basement saying.

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