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20:47 Vent

I haven't been wanting to write because my thoughts have been fairly morbid for a while. I said in WMPA why I don't like being left alone too long, and lack of socialization piles up for sure. I'm told to go talk and release my mind but I don't want monolog.

I've been feeling numb again. That existential feeling of nothing-really-matters. Waking up thinking "Well I'm alive again." And been feeling that fascination of death again. Wondering if its more fun on that side.

I don't really feel a desire to do. I've been doing consciously, not passionately. Just doing whats right for the situation. The unfulfillment resurfaced. I wrote earlier today or this week in my notes "What remorse do you live in?" Mine is often as if I had success to early and no longer care too much about life. A sale doesn't shake me, good news doesn't fill me, it's all just ehh. It's time like this I wish I had a vice to take my mind away.

I would love to only put encouraging words our but I'd be lying if I said that's how I felt. Again, it's probably the rut and slowness of work. Lack of inspiration. I wanted to record a song but don't want to spend the money. Is there truly a value in this for me? I wrote in Think Tank asking what do you do when the potential success doesn't seem valuable anymore? I got the cliché answer of reset and keep going, but I feel a greater complexity than the cliché.

Oh well, I took about 3 naps today which isn't normal at all for me. Maybe I'll go to sleep early again to wake up at 4 and in the gym by 5 again. This month felt like a fail. Such effort towards something(s) that don't really matter later. At least doesn't seem like it now.

Well, that's my rant. Shoutout to you if you read this. I affirm happiness, fulfillment, and success for you.

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