I've been attempting to not write because much of what I had to say was/could've been morbid, but I've been trying to flush out my thoughts. I feel lost. I don't feel heard, don't feel supported/encouraged in my work, and I don't mean that as in the people who very clearly love me, I mean that as in the success of my work itself. And my mind feels so cluttered from lack of direction. Basketball was so clear cut of what I was doing, wanted to do, and solutions were clearly evident. Now I feel nobody has an answer of help to what "I" am asking for/saying.
I used the example in Write My Pains Away of a person being exhausted and needing water being given blanket because that's what someone else perceives to be the problem. They're attributing their exhaustion to a physical fatigue requiring rest, when the person is saying they're not physically exhausted, they're dehydrated. The other example I gave was as if saying I twisted my ankle, but a person continues to put ice on my shoulder. I even question at times, was me writing WMPA putting/keeping me in this cycle? When the intention was to "write my pains away", did I tell the universe this is what my life shall continue to be?
I've been up since 1:09am (went to sleep around 9:30) and my mind's been racing. After a joke in the group message, the next notification was a text from Ty reading how much she loved the To Healing song. Ironically, I in part woke up because I'm not satisfied with the songs I recently recorded (To Healing, Return of Simba, Reflections) and they continue to bug me. And I want to talk to Sasha but she worries for me too much. Like everything I wrote in the book continues to be prevalent. I keep looking at my life like "Clearly nobody read the book" and if they did, don't get it.
Sasha is adamant about me going back to therapy. Which I agree with as in therapy is always beneficial; but she doesn't understand what's going on. I told her yesterday technically that this has to do with a creative depression. Therapy will allow me to speak which I have no problem with and will look to see the perceived root which to me means trying to connect this with a trauma, when I'm attempting and been for years, to tell people what it is that's going on. I don't need therapy or counseling for it, I need work. Success of my efforts. That's it. The mental help I need is signups, people in workshops, bookings, book sales, music streams, and my mania is not triggered to a low. And I hate that the questions asked of me are "No-shit" as in unarguable questions. Meaning rhetoricals that duh, the answer is "yes" to, but is inapplicable. The insanity I have is not a bad thing. It's an athlete's mind. A will to succeed.
In the no-shit way, yes, I'm a perfectionist, but I perfection is one a realm, and two, obtainable. I gave Sasha the example of Ye telling Jamie Foxx how he wanted Slow Jamz to sound. Jamie saying it doesn't make sense, Ye saying for it to be done the way he's intending, and voila! It becomes a platinum multi-award winning, Grammy winning song from the way Ye heard it. Everyday I hear the Frank Sinatra sample on JAY-Z's I Did it My Way. I told her 'Fuck it, I give up. I'll do it everybody else's way. I rather fail playing their game than mine.' Well, something close to that, don't think I used game but the premise is the same. The people around me don't listen to what I say and try to give me a blanket instead of the water I'm asking for. This all goes back to voluntary vs involuntary situations in life.
I wrote a bar saying "Success indulge' my senses I always can taste it." That song hasn't been put out yet because I don't like how I sounded recording it, but the one bar, if innerstood, encapsulates me so perfectly. The guy who stayed up for damnly six hours staring at a bookbag after failing his conditioning test to get his team gear. The guy who shot horrible and got off the bus from a two-hour drive, being eaten up inside, and practicing as soon they got back to campus. People don't want their goals as bad as I. But instead of being encouraged in the direction I'd like to go, I get tamed for nicer word. Again, the help I'm asking for being negated because someone on the outside feels otherwise to what I'm saying.
This is honestly one of the best I've felt writing in a while. This feels like a true release. Getting my thoughts out with no rebuttals. I hate how conscious I am sometimes. Because I can identify and say exactly what I mean to whether another comprehends or not, it feels disingenuous for me to make certain request. Where I give respect to, solutions, connections to others, I get "I can't do it for you." "You have to figure it out for yourself." "You have to figure out what you want." I want to say unheard but the better word is still misunderstood. I agree. I do need to buckle down and go get it myself then stand on an award stage and say "I did it my way." I keep hearing Kanye's acceptance speech right now, "Everybody want to know what I would do if I didn't win, I guess we'll never know."
I've been attempting to flush out my thoughts recently but haven't been able to freely. Sasha worries so much about me and I catch all that energy, if a therapist hears it they'll try to prescribe me something, where right now I've been being gentle with myself and allowing myself space and time to sulk and feel. To acknowledge and embrace the failure. Again, I'm talking to non-athletes so they don't get watching the reward go to the other after a loss. I feel like Jonothan Major in Creed, watching Adonis and every other boxer win what I know I can have. Just training day in and day out. Ty's the only one in my corner I feel gets it and will pour into it.
Being able to articulate exactly what you feel doesn't mean another gets it. I worry Sasha so much because she doesn't get it. I was explaining to her that a lot of dudes will look in the mirror and say "You bitching. Fuck that shit you need to go out there and get it" or something along those lines and it works for them. Now again I had to stop her female mind attempting to interpret in her way because she shuts down to aggression... sidebar, as the clarity hit I just texted her at 3:33 sharing what I realized in/from typing this. Another example is of this positive-aggression is football players chest bumping, slapping, and head banging before a game. It's provocative! It gets the players going! Ironically, as I was one to do this on a lesser-scale before games, it got me in my zone nonetheless.
There are certain things that aren't going to be broken but have to be adjusted properly. My problem with many of the women who want to help me is they're commitment to get me to operate to what they deem appropriate, not assisting me for who I am. Again, the premise of the article. As they'll tell me to express myself rawly, when I do I'm told I shouldn't say what I said. The irony, the same way Sasha told her little sister what not to tell her school counselor regarding her mental health, I have to do the same to her. If I say the wrong thing my so loving and nurturing partner spirals trying to figure out how to save me in a 4ft pool I chose to sit in. She sees the water levels up to my chin and tries to save me knowing she can't swim in this 😂. And I'm just sitting there chilling gathering myself before standing up and walking in the world again.
As me and Sasha talk right now (4:39am) we're speaking on the different perceptions on how life could be lived. To which I responded to a recent message saying "... what you see as breaking down for another is breaking through." As she said "I don't believe you have to bring detriment to your own mental, physical, and emotional health in order to be successful in something", resistance strengthens. I can't speak for what she means as detrimental, but as an athlete, resistance is for growth. Yes, going without food or water, taking my body to breaking points so next time it's prepared, taking mental hit after hit, and however you can dig deep to get past that resistance, you do. This is coming from the man who passed out in the car to on his way to the hospital in high school because the hours he committed himself as a student-athlete. Which was running 3 miles before school, going to school, work, the gym for court and weight workouts, then when practice started, run, school, practice then extra court workouts then weights. The man who got his cast taken off early and played in a game days later. The man built like that.
Ultimately, I'm still asking for the same I give everyone else. Respect to who I am as I give to respect to them. They don't have to like nor attempt to learn about the why and where I come from. I get that's often one-sided for me. I'd like to know people's why to address them light they'd like to be depicted in; they take me for their interpretation of me. Unfortunately, I know more so am held at a standard other are not. I must say, this was a very successful vent. P.S. because we talked about me not having so much with this and her asking why I continue to do this even if I personally don't gain satisfaction from it really. I do know words are if not the primary, a big part of my purpose. So one, this is a job I committed myself to. Two, this all is also documentation to be shared with the public one day as my discography of thought and literature. Shoutout to whomever comes across Shelby Parris and everything he ever said is exactly what that person feels. Hopefully not Shakil or Skylen, but shoutout to that/those young men who this helps in the future. I'm definitely listening to Lil Wayne DontGetIt today. Might just listen to the Nina Simone song itself too.
End: 5:25am.