I was chilling at the table, mind racing as usual, and I asked the question "Why you keep tryna do it on your own?" The short answer is I'm stubborn. But the deeper involves doubt, skillsets, lack of trust, perceived lack of resources, and purpose.
Talking to Ty yesterday we got back into that conversation of purpose. My definition is fulfilling your greatest skillsets to create your version of success. I'm stubborn because I have more doubt than encouragement from the ones that birthed me. The irony of being the two of them is that this stubbornness or to me, passion, is the fulfilling of two that failed in theirs.
I get the honor of being a trailblazer. The honor of being blessed with the mindset and skin needed to take blow after blow, shot after shot, jab after jab but continue to push forward. Blessed with an insanity to keep fighting every time a shot is sent my way. Some call it faith but as Kobe talked about, I just trust my work ethic. I trust the work I put in and that gives me a confidence and comfortability through the scoldings and pushbacks.
I watched another episode of Joe Budden's Humans today and sat with Steve Madden and he spoke on people just not realizing you're right in what you're doing. How lonely the path is. He said "You know you're doing something, but no one gets it. You know no one gets it, and you wanna scream I know what I'm doing right now. I'm doing something." And that's my life. Being abstract or unorthodox to the norm.
It only made sense I would find myself fighting as an entrepreneur. And I feel right in the struggle. This is comfortable to me. "Make it work." That's the best I can describe it. Make it work. Where for me it's more of a "Just shut up and let me work." Hov said it best, "The more space I get the better I write, Oh, never I write, but if ever I write. I need the space to say whatever I like."
I see- what's it's supposed to be and where it's supposed to go. I feel me just throwing things on YouTube or Twitter or Instagram or TikTok is me throwing it away. What I'm doing is a bigger picture and a message in it. Me and Ty was talking 'bout things I say being digestible. And me being lightyears ahead of what so many are now catching up to. It's like, I shouldn't slow down or "Dumb down for my audience" but keep going and make 'em say "Ohhhhh that's what you were on." I said in Write My Pains Away that people have to catch up to me. Music was dumbing down for my audience. You give me the space to write or just talk and I can break some shit down. Forreal. Again, it's not that I don't want to work with people, but who else is in the lane or close enough that I'm truly able to grow? Again, it's no disrespect but if you haven't been here yet you're not able to tell me the way. That's usually me. Telling someone step-by-step how to go about something.
And again, I recognize that's a talent of mine. To make thoughts linear. I hold myself and work at a certain level already and am not where I'm looking to be yet. So you're asking me to climb down the mountain not even kowing how much further I have to go to help someone still on ground zero. Why would anyone wanna do that? You're telling me listen to the person levels below 'cus they "might" have answers to how I can reach a top we both never seen. It's not me tryna be stubborn but how? How would that help? And when I call this out or call out someone else I'm the bad guy. Now I'm the bad guy for calling out flaws to me that I don't do. Why do I have to settle because this person is incompetent?
So it's hard for me to listen to to so many people because I know they don't get it. I hate that society tries to tell you to appreciate everyone. No. Everyone's not of value to you. I get annoyed when I ask a specific question- and you can tell the person doesn't know. They're trying to force an answer. Me and shorty was talking about hood smart or dumb smart niggas we called them too. The ones that yes, thy know a little something and are speaking on it, but you can tell by the fluidness if someone truly knows what they're doing. Hell, I was attempting to a public address and go live directly to my site to my subscription community and me and I'm forcing myself and pushing myself, but I know I ain't got it. Me and DJ both chalked it up as practice run (https://youtu.be/50Zac1sKx3Q). I knew it was bad, he knew it was bad, why we gotta bullshit it? If I'm not gonna lie to myself why am I gonna lie to another? I'm hurting myself if I keep forcing something that's not there.
That's how I feel about a job. It wouldn't work for me. It's legit not me. Ty was telling me how I have to break out the hustle mentality and work smarter. Smarter as in literally, getting paid for how much I know how to do. Most people never been on a sports team, a winning environment, and can handle what comes with that. It takes getting yelled at, cursed out, losing sleep, skipping meals, literal blood, sweat and tears, and more importantly, handling that. Not crying 'cus your coach yelled, not fighting 'cus your teammate cursed you out, realizing when you're at fault and everybody's passionate about this. I'm not surrounded by that anymore. And so accustomed or conditioned, however you wanna call it, it's a mission, and nobody's hear to waste time with you. It's cutthroat and we moving forward. I told Sasha earlier how I could tell and don't like working with dudes who didn't have their biological fathers or a father figure close. They're too emotional. I work with women, I get having to speak a certain way, but now you bro- you just pussy.
So yea; I'm stubborn. Stubborn because I wanna win. I wnana succeed. I put the work in myself, so why do I need to succumb for those not working as hard? For the ones who don't get it? And it comes back full circle to my always argument: Why are you telling me to come down and not them to step up? Why you not standing with me and against the masses instead of telling me submit. I won't succumb to the pressure. I won't stop fighting for what I know is right. I'm better than what you're telling me to settle for. And if the ones around can't reach that standard than I just have to go alone.