The last few days I’ve been having to handle a situation I've never experienced before. The young lady I was dating had a miscarriage.
Last Tuesday I was told “We need to talk”; and what happens to every human when they hear those words from someone they’re intimate with? They look to prolong the conversation. I wrote before that it’s not bad and a natural reaction to feel fear when hearing “We need to talk” and attempt to prolong what could be a serious conversation. In the meantime, use that space to gather thoughts and emotions and if already knowing the topic, prepare for what may be said by both parties.
I go through my normal night routine after my dashing of grabbing food on my way home and sitting at my kitchen table to eat before scrolling through social media, my last conference call, then preceding upstairs to go to sleep. I remember saying/asking about talking still but my ex being sleep. The next day I get a call and told “We still need to talk” to which I respond, “Are you able to tell me now?” being that I was mentally prepared to hear what’s been causing an eerie energy in the room. She says that she went to the doctor and I say “Ok” followed by she had a miscarriage and I say “Ok” again. Next, slights are said, the phone hangs up, and I sit still in listening mode as the conversation end prematurely.
Fast forward a week from the day and here I am in conversations asking to hear other responses as to if a guy is obligated to tend to the emotions of a women that [he] broke up with for logical reasons for any person to not want a relationship with a person. Being because I do not receive a fair enough exchange from it I’d like to cut ties and be able to explore my options because I see a better for me.
As points are made on both sides, I propose to call people and hear their response to the context of the situation but unfortunately again, I have the ability and will say what I mean and mean what I say bluntly when able. I don’t put expectations on people to do the same. As we call people I’m told one person I can’t call because they already said they’re in agreement with my side. So we call a few other gentlemen who give their answers, one counter to mine and two choosing to stay neutral and acknowledging both sides. Then we make a final call to two women, a cousin like and friend to me who open their statements with strong points and laying a foundation to what became a rant. I would say the statements were biased and a minute percentage answered what was genuinely asked. and here now comes all my sentiments.
First let me say that on our drive home from a night of DoorDashing and hearing many other’s viewpoints my ex and I shared a few more words on our individual feelings and gripes and were able to have a civil conversation in the room, obviously after emotions returned to neutral. We have a great civil conversation, perspectives are heard, and we end the night with smiles and hugs.
Now if you know my mind- that doesn’t stop there for me. Mainly because I left in a place of still feeling unheard, criticized with no help, and what I give not being returned or even gotten. Now starts my vent:
Emotional Intelligence includes the ability to accept the answers you don’t want to hear and not lashing out or shutting down and dismissing what was said because a person doesn’t like what was said (Cognitive dissonance). I also tie this in with communication as I know “You have to communicate within the language that [that] individual is most receptive to.” (Communitalk).
As I have this conversation with the three women (my ex, cousin, and friend) my cousin is a very boisterous person who when going- is going to go. Through her statements she stated that I don’t have the capacity to help, be, or support someone emotionally. She told me to not use female and use women, and that I have to allow the other party to talk. She said I lacked emotional intelligence and that I lacked empathy. As I allowed her and others the full floor and space to talk for an infinite time after 28 minutes I attempted to interject to request for wording to be used in at its proper form which was denied multiple times through the conversation. This is not being Symantec guy but that if I’m told to speak properly the full conversation should be done so. I attempted to request that the words/phrased empathetic and emotional intelligence to be used to the dictionary definition and not from subjectivity. I requested the space and time to speak seeking solely for acknowledgment of the facts of the situation for greater context as the conversation was biased. After 30 minutes I was granted room to do so still not being truly acknowledged. This is not saying my side had to be taken, just to be fully identified.
Men are not allowed to express their feelings in the space of women. I say this under the presence of R vs L brain. That emotions and feelings outweigh the presented facts. I was [gaslighted] multiple times through the conversation by not receiving the fair respect to which I was giving. Unfortunately, then the one who hits back is the one that gets caught. Meaning when I then treated the conversation how I was being treated I was scolded and criticized greater. This has been a complaint of mine for years. People do not handle me with the same care they want to be handled.
I again found myself being criticized and not receiving patience nor help when it’s said of what I lack. This is basic psychology that if proper help is not given, the problem will mature and eventually lead to the individual fulfilling the prophecy spoken on him.
It bothers me that I’m treated and called emotionless and not acknowledged of me being poised to situations. It bothers me that individuals lie to themselves or do not truly identify and state their pure emotion as in the original and root. I am then perceived a certain way for being able to state my truest desire. The polar end is when I choose not to speak or speak in a way for peace, it is also not received. After that I feel no need to speak anymore. I sit back and accept more criticism and deal with those around me not knowing enough to see or look deeper. This is the unfortunate of many in jail. Society doesn’t care for the root of and what triggered such behavior. Society stays surface and keeps fault on the individual. Epigenetics can be seen vividly in these instances.
As I give and make conscious effort to listen and hear others, as I give and am patient with others knowing all develop at their own pace, the bar I’m held at is moved. I’m judged to a higher standard while still being given the tools of the general. Meaning as I give patience to others, allow for the growth to others, allow for time for others, I’m held at the now. That it’s not a matter of how someone communicates to me, I just have to communicate their way. It doesn’t matter how I feel and respond, I must respond their way. I realize and know the importance of speaking life into another. To identify the direction they’re working towards and speaking that life into them. I do not hold people to their past nor to a general bar. I recognize the subjectivity in growth. This same privilege is not given towards me. When I then fit a common psychology explanation, those around me do not study nor know in which I find myself criticized or neglected again. As I live and choose love, peace, abundance, and happiness, coming from a spiritual backing, those around me are incompetent to this. They practice the religious spiritual and negate the science (psychology) of why my response is my response. Again, what I’ve openly expressed through Write My Pains Away and Maybe This Will Help Me.
Because of this I feel dehumanized. As I request to be treated with patience, gentle, and desire for life to be speaking into me it is not received. I’d like someone to talk to consistently that gets the root. As in the spiritual and universal laws and psychology. I have little to relate to around me. Little to none to rely on emotionally. My dog, Courtney, and Kate were/are the few who get all three and give me the room and space. I get criticized for not taking it seriously or playing around. I am petty. But the “why” is not acknowledged. Little to no positive reinforcements are given to me outside of me. My reasoning is in part of defense mechanism. a protection of happy emotions and conscious rewiring of the mind to be laugh at the problem, knowing there are solutions. Knowing life continues and things get better. Pettiness comes from not being treated gently. A fulfilling of prophecy. The prophecy of consistent emotional neglect.
People fail me. I do not use the phrase common sense for I know many don’t know the definition. I in term use the phrase “Consistent(ly)” followed by “experienced”. Common sense and what’s consistently experienced is barer than most realize. As we are all wired different neurotically, it is bare what the majority agrees to do. Knowing this I do not scold or hold anyway to what I would do. Again, treating people with subjectivity. This is a trigger for me. I respond according to the individual’s treatment of me in an effort to stop further criticism. I know I am the one who is more willing to learn and change from their desire than they are mine. In history I have and they have not. I am then held to a higher standard with no life being spoken into me while the other is supported in ignorance.
Many don’t elevate me but instead humble me. And this is using humble to the literal and spiritual meaning. I choose not to degrade myself therefore stand my ground. I speak and carry myself boldly and with confidence as I would say all should. This comes from knowledge and acceptance. Faith and trusting. I accept that I am wrong. As others show me to not be able to accept being wrong by their speaking of “what if” and “maybe”. They do not want to be wrong so they do not state but suggest. Knowing that life is but experiences and the purpose it to experience until ascension, I see right or wrong only in context of a situation, but not life. Each choice made as human opens the opportunity for the next and new experience. I realize and know everything happens for the reasons we created. All is a manifest. A manifest from thoughts, words, and actions. Because others do not accept or see that death if life, and the polarity of, the beauty of, the synonymous of them, they take life serious. Many adding pressure to theirs. I am a happy student. Happy to every lesson I get to receive.
I return back to previous statements of EI and communication. I do not find it acceptable nor fair for those who have not studied and applied in the way that I have to speak against me on such subjects. I am highly emotionally intelligent to the definition. It is the cheetah vs the dog. The cheetah feels no need to race knowing it’s faster than the dogs. I do agree of proving the point. The point as to showing the dog is will never beat the healthy cheetah. This is the experience with my ex. She expresses her frustrations when I talk to others on what she feels I should speak to her about. I respond that it is me learning and exercising my resources of minds to comprehend more. This is also a dichotomy of someone growing up with different supports and lives. As she being adopted, she is rightful to feel lonesome and rely solely on self. I am willing to exercise the resources around me. You must go to the most appropriate source for your solution. The most appropriate source may not be who you are closest to in intimacy or proximity. Again, as we are poly beings. No one man has all that’s 100% fulfilling to our desires. I have a trust in the responses of those around me. I also recognize of life of all to pull their own and exercise these resources when necessary. Delegate when necessary after doing what you can do. In an effort to nurture self I retracted my energy towards her. I also do not see me as her responsibility. And as previously stated, she may not be seen as the most appropriate for me to speak to on a situation. If a yes or no is asked on a sensitive matter energy changes and often an answer is not directly given. From history, I choose to not burden but take the topic to another. This also connects to the calling of the cousin and friend. One side can see this as a divinity. A conversation, answers, and a necessity for the next phase of conversations to be had in the form of which they were had. This is again, something recognized by those of spirituality and psychology but not acknowledged by those outside of. This is where I can or would say “Common sense” but respect the subjective growth of others. I again find myself being judged to a higher standard than others involved.
When my verbal was not accepted I resorted to physical damage being done. Open to and accepting of the consequence of how that looks on me and affects all parties involved in the conversation it brought me to my desire of being able to speak uninterrupted. I released the bar and step down from the pedestal of being the bigger person. An effort to scoop lower for comprehension.
I am often challenged to be the bigger person and hold myself accountable with little accountable to me being reflected. This can also be due to the difference in communication styles. I admit to being skilled in manners but often times not vocal in until need be. I’d like to hear and see the accountability of others. Something experienced often throughout life. My willingness to take on the battle and obstacle head on and with aggression to be faulted for someone’s lack. To sacrifice face in a greater effort for team. I do not feel the same assistance is given back towards me.
I question people to realize you can’t emotionally neglect someone then be mad at their perceived inability to accept other’s emotions. It’s an incision then a deeper cut that people cause then respond with confusion to their screams. I realize and recently asked the question am I the problem to my environment or is my environment a problem. Both questions are polar but ending at the same conclusion. Be in a different environment. an environment that overstands and supports me. An environment where I’m included and not seen as an outcast. This environment is one of psychologist, business owners, neurologist, and others who have studied and basic knowledge of mind.
It’s not acknowledged or recognized that I DO think before speaking. I process. At effort to bring peace to the current situation over long-term often times when it comes to people. I am ok with losing people. Because of that my decisions towards others is comes from the majority being a short-term solution rather than long-term. With life happening at its pace and being a figment in it I can only control myself and work within correspondence to the pace of life. Life does not slow down but our ability to process speeds up. I make a conscious effort to utilize as much time as possible when able to. This is again exemplified in the context of the writing. That I gave an answer of acknowledgement and with the pace of life, did not respond to what the other individual would like. This again is where I’d challenge the EI of the other when being met with cognitive dissonance. I realize that if you let people speak long enough they will contradict themselves. There is much power in not only silence but the ability to stop at will.
With all that’s been stated I challenge the individuals to study and familiarize themselves with the definitions and studies of what they speak on. This era is not accepting of truths outside of their own. Not having a degree, I often say it would take my death for the reverence and comprehension of my works and being. I make a conscious effort to live outside the truth of my past but still being bogged by the words and limited knowledge of others. If I could change one thing in the world it would be for all to be knowledgeable enough to accept without counter to others. To encourage their growth rather than oppose. Opposition is only due to their ignorance. I’ve said before that if you were the individual you would do exactly as they did. We can never speak on another’s shoes have not being nor been in the same place. It is only consilience.
Most do not know or realize the power of their words. They do not know the history of nor power of what they speak. I have studied language. The history and English origin of words. I choose to speak and not babble. The power to say less and be heard more is the value. One should not speak for more than what is truly necessary. At this point they began to speak out of context. A person should not speak on what they do not know a definite and proven high percentage of. On the other end the receiver is responsible for their effort and ability to comprehend. They are not held to respond how the messenger feels fit, they are held to comprehend what was stated and why. When emotion is involved the tone of the delivery overpowers the message. The message is most important. When logic is active facts are rightfully prioritized and not opinions. Opinions stem from solely from ignorance. This leads to emotional triggers as a defense of for personal biases. Commonly known as opinions.
Referring back to empathy. Every human has empathy. Sympathy is not required. This again is the receiver not being obligated to respond how the messenger feels. Empathy, referencing the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
The receiver does not have to carry or feel “sorry about someone else’s trouble, grief, misfortune, etc.” Although one may argue the humaneness they must accept the fact. The definition of humane includes the word sympathy. Which as previously spoken on is not mandatory. We cannot speak with possibility, only fact. But as the saying goes, “When you’re the only thing real, really you’re the only thing fake.” Again, the wrong and right is flipped by situation. This is the importance of knowledge of self. To have an identity being the foundation to stand on. If we are to place that who is unsympathetic in a room where all is, they will be the abnormal. But if reversed, the sympathetic would be the abnormal. Many don’t realize they are only at privilege when surrounded by subjectivity.