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19:00 Vent

Something that's not spoken on is the feeling of not wanting to release what you've written. I've had no problem sitting down or typing and saving notes in my phone, but I just didn't want to release it. The energy of it being taken from you. Honestly, I'm making a conscious effort to make this a read really worth it. I don't feel as emotionally connected to it dealing with what I've been dealing with lately.

I learned many lessons of what kind of person/people I never want to be around. I may have met the greatest energy vampire of my life. And what was dealt with after the breakup was worse than what was happening in the relationship. It has to be a mental illusion of someone to genuinely think someone would want to keep a connection with them when they've done nothing but drain them. I've seen people's back on the wall before, similar to this position, and still gave grace. From the outside I would credit that to their success of making it through their hardships. Which makes me even say, I never want to be around people who end up on this wall in general, but I will never not want to be around the ones who had grace and moved from pure love even in tribulations.


I realize that we are not at fault for someone's hardships and that the blessings we receive are for us. If someone lives in a certain struggle it is not on us to play a role in their life. I hate the cliche of "You attract what you are" because that's not always the case. To best articulate it- You will attract things that recognize the good of you. Your blessings, your resources, you, don't need to be shared with everyone. Anyone really.


I could never get how I do all I'm willing to do yet be criticized or have my perceived "flaws" identified by the one I'm doing for. I'm grateful to receive the acknowledgement I do from my friends and family. To be recognized for my strength and philanthropy. I'd tell anyone on the opposite end to truly appreciate and cherish what someone is willing to provide to you. Don't make someone regret the love they gave. And damn sure don't throw karma in their face. That karma you think you're guilting them with is why you are staying in the hole you're in.


I'm grateful to have leaders around me. Captains around me. OG's, father, and big brother figures who hold me accountable and speak light into me. To be in a system that wants others to win. That's about communion. A non-selfish culture and non-coddling culture.


I've been living by the motto "Don't take a chance take a step". And I've overstepped. Swallowed by a demon wanting to be loved in its own since. But the love required for one who never felt it is at levels unimaginably greater than one who has. I am grateful to have felt every form of love. The philia of family, pragma of friends, the storge from soul mates, agape of source, ludus and eros of partners, and the great philautia love from myself. To have and be loved in every form I have nothing to compensate for. To be loved in every language.


I am grateful to be conscious enough to recognize the lessons, role, assets and losses in every scenario I've been in. To overstand the ability to prove does not always need to be shown. I do not need to prove what I can nor my willingness to do for others.


I no longer accept myself to be faulted for being human. To be faulted for the ignorance, misinterpretations or (mis)conceptions of others.


I desire a world where people accept the differences of others. Not just a physical deformity or medical diagnosis, but the ideologies and way(s) of life. To be allowed to choose self with no penalty when for the same reasons others of us have. A person is not wrong for staying nor wrong for leaving. It is their choice for what is better for them. And even if seeing better for another, they are not obligated to live how we see fit.

I've been choosing to let go of relationships. It's not the first time but it's still a rarity for [me] to choose to let it go and not just waiting for it to simmer away. I am embracing these new acts happily, and recognizing that it's ok to do what fulfills me. Regardless of time, regardless of perceived intimacy, I am willing to let go. And as this phase in my life ends, I have only grace and joy for the beauties I see right in front.


I will continue to love. I will continue to choose MY peace. I will continue to walk in light. I will continue to walk in knowledge. I am not deterred from my I AM because of the acts of another. I AM releasing what has hindered me. People, objects, thoughts all are purging for there is no room for what no longer serves me. I will continue to be open to what is for me for I AM pronoia.




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